A Communities Confusion
How Oppression, Shame and Medicalization Are Shaping the Lives of Gay Men
When I refer to "gender ideology," I’m speaking of a belief system that places subjective feelings of gender identity above biological sex. An idea that suggests that individuals should medically transition—whether through puberty blockers, hormones, or surgeries—if they experience discomfort with their gender. While these interventions can be beneficial for some, this ideology often overlooks the experiences of gender-nonconforming people, particularly gay men and women, whose identities challenge rigid gender norms without the need for medical intervention.
Drawing from my personal journey as a gay man navigating a path of detransition, my insights are shaped by the experiences I've had, the people I've encountered, and the challenges I've faced within both the gay and detransitioning communities and is how I present this perspective. With that, I believe it’s time we have more honest conversations about the confusion at the intersection of gender ideology and the LGB community.
The confusion of our youth
For many in the LGB community, including myself, gender ideology threatens to erase our identities by conflating gender nonconformity with being transgender. Effeminate boys and masculine girls—many of whom grew up to be proud gay adults—were once stigmatized for not fitting society’s expectations of masculinity or femininity. And still today, instead of being accepted for our uniqueness and encouraged to embrace our uniqueness, these same children are often bombarded with messaging that leads them to question whether they were "born in the wrong body." Frequently these kids are funneled down a path that encourages them to identify as trans, with medical methodologies following soon after. In my view, this represents a new form of homophobia—one that pathologies natural expressions of gender nonconformity, pushing vulnerable kids—like I once was—away from self-acceptance and into the belief that they need to change or fix themselves.
Looking back, I realize that what saved me as a child wasn’t courage or self-awareness—it was the simple fact that such interventions weren’t accessible in the 1980s and 90s. Had I grown up today, there’s a strong chance I would have been labeled a "trans kid.”
Rising Numbers of Trans-Identifying Youth
The confusion within the community.
Still gender ideology carries a socially contagious element, often presenting itself as an appealing solution even to otherwise rational adult individuals who still struggle with internalized shame, societal pressures, and dissociative feelings. Issues that still linger from childhood, and for those already grappling with this, transition can seem like the ultimate fix—promise of acceptance, belonging, becoming “normal.”
This was my experience and the experience of many others I have encountered along the way. Unfortunately, it seems once a lot of people have their mind set on the idea, it becomes kind of hard to put back down again. Once I knew a man who was so thrilled to start hormones and be able to eventually start dating “straight” men. As he put it, “I want a husband, but I don’t want to be perceived as gay. I’d rather be seen as a woman married to a man.” In that moment my heart broke for him as I recognized the same cycle I had went through.
I tried to explain that transitioning wouldn’t resolve the shame he felt about being gay and that confronting internalized homophobia might be a healthier approach. But he was convinced as I once was that transitioning was the only way to feel "normal."
This reflects a troubling reality: if so many within the gay community are willing to go to such extremes to escape their shame, it suggests the root problem lies deeper. Why, in an era when Western society is more progressive than ever for homosexuals, are so many still running from their own identities?
The Root
The answer is clear: Homophobia is far from gone! You can dress things up with rainbows and glitter all you want but todays homophobia likes to hide behind a new language, cloaked as "progress." Honestly, I feel for people suffering from homophobia its easier to deal with someone with gender issues rather than risk exposure to a homosexual. Though there are many examples I could give here I really feel one of the most toxic was as recent as 2023, a Christian therapist named Brian Tingley challenged Washington State’s ban on conversion therapy. While the Supreme Court ultimately rejected his case, which is great news, the fact remains that only 23 U.S. states have laws banning conversion therapy as of 2024. These practices—whether through psychotherapy, medical intervention, intimidation or religious methods—have caused immense emotional and physical harm to the LGB community and they still exist in a country that considers itself the greatest on the planet?
“According to a December 2023 report by The Trevor Project, a nonprofit focused on suicide prevention efforts among LGBTQ individuals, Pennsylvania, Texas, Minnesota, Missouri and Ohio are the five states with the largest number of conversion therapy practitioners.”
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The Aftermath
The aftermath of all of this really is an atrocity and is what is eroding LGB culture. Along the way I have met so many more gay men who, like me, have altered their bodies because they could no longer face being homosexual and or were convinced it would make them straight — “normal.” But hormones and surgery can’t cure shame. I have held space for, many lost after altering or removing essential parts of themselves. Men unsure if they could even be a man again. Reconnecting with their masculinity feels impossible, even though they desperately want to. This highlights how unresolved homophobia and shame are being channeled into a medicalized “solution.”
Moving Forward
True support for gender-nonconforming children and LGB youth must be about helping them explore and understand who they are without the pressure to alter their bodies to fit societal trends or expectations. Real support means allowing for self-discovery, not pushing invasive medical interventions that may only complicate their journey.
For LGB detransitioners, healing cannot come simply through surgery or any outward fix—it comes from exploring all of the underlying issues that were never dealt with, supported by genuine care and understanding. With that, we need more resources, programming, advocacy, visibility, and, above all, compassion from our own community. LGB detransitioners deserve the same level of affirmation and support from their own community as their TQ+ counterparts from the forced LGBTQ+ Marriage Receive. That’s how we can pave the way for a future where everyone is accepted for who they truly are.
As a community at large we must prioritize addressing the deeper issues that have long influenced how we view ourselves and our identities—issues such as internalized homophobia, horizontal oppression, and shame should already be behind us. These are the root causes of so many struggles within our community, and until we actively confront them, healing will remain elusive.