The Unicorn’s Struggle
Navigating Therapy Post-Trans
When deciding to return to your innate identity, there is much to consider, and therapy is one of the most important aspects. Many of us need a therapist's support for letters of recommendation to navigate the medical system, especially when seeking surgeries to realign with our pre-transition bodies as closely as possible. However, the underlying issues that contributed to detransition—or transition—must also be addressed, or they will continue to affect ones well-being and sense of self.
For me, part my therapeutic process is multifaceted, it involves working with a licensed therapist as well as deeply reflecting on my experiences and those of others I’ve connected with in the detransition community. Hearing the stories of others has helped me gain a greater understanding of how challenging this journey can be. For example, I once heard someone describe their regrets—how deeply they had come to hate themselves, the world, the process, and how overwhelmed they felt by it all. I empathized with how unbearably slow the journey can feel, especially once your mind has already made a decision.Gently, I suggested they consider therapy. Their quick response was,
“What would a therapist do for me?”
After explaining that a therapist could provide an unbiased, judgment-free space to vocalize everything they needed to, I emphasized the benefits of therapy: guidance when it's needed, help with goal setting, and more. I explained that therapy is ultimately about addressing an individual's unique needs. But as I finished speaking, I felt a twinge of regret. I thought about challenges I had faced and in the back of my mind, I wondered: What if I got their hopes up and they can’t find the help they need? Will they one day slip through the cracks of society, never to be seen or heard from again?
For the average person, finding a therapist involves some pretty straightforward steps to ensure the right fit. Most start by identifying their goals, preferences, and practical considerations like insurance coverage or sliding-scale options. Directories like Psychology Today, TherapyDen, or GoodTherapy make it easier to evaluate therapists' credentials and specialties. But what happens when your needs fall outside what the "average" therapist is prepared to address?
For detransitioners, the process of finding support often feels like entering uncharted territory. A territory full of therapists who seem unsure how to work with someone navigating detransition, or who may not have even heard of such an idea. Gender-critical therapists often feel they lack the specialized training to help and might refer someone to more affirming therapists. However, these therapists can be so focused on transition pathways that they struggle to process the concept of detransition, short-circuiting their understandings and thus leaving many detransitioners feeling alienated and misunderstood. Personally, I have met and explained my story to so many therapists, leaving each one utterly baffled. I now jokingly refer to myself as a unicorn because of how unusual I seem to them.
Aside from a therapist's potential lack of knowledge about the subject, another significant challenge for some is finding therapists who are truly comfortable validating a detransitioner’s decision and supporting their journey back to aligning with their sex assigned at birth. Of course, therapists, like everyone else, are human and fallible, which can complicate the process. Furthermore, compared to the abundance of resources available for transgender-affirming care, finding dedicated support specifically tailored to detransitioners can be incredibly difficult.
So, how does a detransitioner find sound therapy? Do you look for a general therapist with no experience in gender identity issues but a willingness to learn? Or do you seek out someone specialized in gender-related therapy who might be entrenched in an affirming-only approach? For many of us, including myself, it’s almost like gambling, hoping the therapist you choose is the right one. But in reality, most of us don’t have the time, money, or emotional energy to waste on therapists who aren’t a good fit.
After hitting many dead ends, I found that being upfront about my experiences and expectations made a significant difference. When reaching out to potential therapists, I took the time to outline my history in detail, including my progress up to that point, and asked if they felt equipped to work with someone actively navigating detransition. Some openly admitted they weren’t the right fit, which saved me time and frustration, while others engaged thoughtfully and were willing to explore uncharted territory alongside me.
The key here is not only to clearly communicate your history but also to take time for yourself to establish a few simple goals and expectations for what you hope to achieve in therapy. Doing so makes it easier for a potential therapist to align with your needs. This approach is especially helpful because many therapists offer free initial consultations, which I suggest using to assess whether they are genuinely a good fit for you.
Asking questions like, “How do or would you approach detransitioner in a therapeutic setting?” or “Do you have experience with clients questioning or reversing their transition?” can help clarify their perspective and approach. It’s also crucial to be upfront about your expectations and boundaries. Setting this tone early establishes a clear framework for therapy and helps filter out therapists who might otherwise invalidate your experience.
A harmonious approach:
For me, therapy is a lot like maintaining a healthy exercise routine. Incorporating cross-training helps you become more well-rounded, improve your overall fitness, and reduce the risk of injury. The same principle applies to mental health: combining different resources can create a more balanced and effective approach to healing.
Connecting with others who share similar experiences, whether through peer groups or online communities, can provide a sense of belonging and understanding that’s often hard to find elsewhere. These spaces offer not only validation but also practical guidance. By building relationships with those who have walked a similar path, you can gain access to valuable insights, therapists, or resources that might otherwise go unnoticed.
Ultimately, the process can be exhausting, but it’s also a testament to the resilience of detransitioners who are fighting for understanding and healing in a mental health system still catching up to their needs. By sharing these struggles, I hope we can push for more awareness and better training for therapists so that no one has to feel like a "unicorn" in their search for help.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, and the information shared in this article is based on my personal experiences and reflections. If you are in distress or struggling, I strongly encourage you to seek guidance and support from a licensed mental health professional. These suggestions are not a substitute for professional advice or treatment.